Friday, December 10, 2010

Another day of a lost fight with my own self...

Its been a few days since Zufair pointed out a few flaws in me. The same flaws that Ive been living with all my life, something Ive never wanted to have in me. and yet, there are moments when I lose it.
I dont want to punish myself repeatedly for it, because it will dull down my morale, at the same time cut down those flaws, just like how a chain smoker would cut down his cigarettes in a rehabilitation center.

Isnt it so ironic that when I was small, and I would see my loved ones smoking , I would often wonder how weak would their will power be to be able to conquer smoking and just go cold turkey. But now that I look at me, it doesnt seem much different to conquer this flaw of mine. The tendency to lose temper fast, the tendency to feel hurt soon. Infact feeling hurt sooner is a much bigger flaw than losing temper. Feeling hurt is followed by self pity, which makes me feel utterly miserable, dependent and vulnerable.

Like today, I was silly enough to have a momentary lapse of temper with Zufair just because he made fun of my hair. (@Zufair : Openly admitting my shortcoming suggests that I am trying to improve and take in the right spirit :))

And then something as stupid as OT scolding me for not using other people's cellphones to take photos. Worse to come, I actually looked for another reason to be angry at him, a reason big enough that could destroy important strings attached in life. When I look at the bigger picture, I know how much importance this person holds in my life. I can see the effort taken from that side to keep me happy. And I am.

Then for what did I get hurt? Just to satisfy my ego? To prove me right?
I know that someday will come where I dont let anger rule over me.
And the struggle for it has already begun.

So at the end of the day, I tag this blog as "I_am_grateful_for" because I am grateful there have been these two people who have been with me and tolerated me inspite of my flaws.

I really want to be what Russell Peters says (in Zufair's rendition)
"When you look at a tree, and if there was a camera that would take pictures of what is going on inside your head, you should be able to see nothing."