The Cricket Moment

First of all, wishing everyone reading this a very happy 2012. Second of all, New Year for me starts on the 2nd of January, not the 1st. The entire 1st of Jan goes as a post recovery for crazy 31st. Very few people are lucky enough to chill out to such a great extent on the 31st that they are ready to be all charged up on 1st itself. I was one of the other set. We partied like crazy half the night, and the whole day just went in sleeping. I still feel sleepy as I write this post.

When all of us finished our party and got back home, we were all busy chit chatting till 4. I told my friends about 'The Cricket Moment' then. It was actually an invention by my mom. She believes that sounds explain the intensity of a situation faster and much better than describing it in words. Her talking is generally very animated.

Anyway, so 'The Cricket Moment' is the awkward silence during the middle of any conversation where the atmosphere suddenly becomes so silent, its almost like you can hear the crickets making sounds in the forests. (Crickets the insect I mean).

For Example:

You are shopping this New year. You bumped into a friend (Say Mr. Jojo Junior) who just got divorced recently .

Jojo Junior : Hey dude long time no see. How are you?

You : Hey, what a pleasant surprise . Where are you working these days?

Jojo Junior : I'm at Pune dude. You tell me what's new in your life.

You : (You really don't have any updates about work but still need to continue the conversation. Now you met him after a long time so forgot about his divorce) Nothing much dude. Just work going on. Mundane. How's everything else? How's your wife doing?

Jojo Junior : Oh about that, yeah, I got divorced two months back. We are now fighting for the custody of our son.

You : Oh dude, I'm sorry to hear that. (Super Awkward Silence out of embarrassment and not knowing what to say a.k.a 'The Cricket Moment')

So the next time you go through an embarrassing moment, take a moment of silence. I swear one can actually hear crickets making their regular sounds (Also because to make the situation even more awkward, I ACTUALLY make the cricket sounds from my mouth)

Cheers to all the awkward moments of 2012... 'The Cricket Moments'.

Also don't forget to check out

Inspired by Abhilasha, I decided to make an account on blogadda.com. She has been awarded as an upcoming newbie by blogadda.com. Do check out her blog.

Day 6 : Never forget hidden costs

One important advice. When you plan something, DO NOT forget overhead costs.

Also, never ASSUME you'll get something at concession.

Rookie Mistake for the first event I am organizing.

My challenges now are

a) Get at least 15 people for the workshop just for break even.

And no, I'm not thinking of charging more or getting profit, because I just want to see whether this concept works.

So, my plans of conducting this event for two days got pretty much ruined. Finance wise things didn't seem to fit. So I had to push the event to one day for 3 hours straight. I don't know how it will go, and lets hope I break even.

Here is my poster for this event.

Fingers crossed. :):):)

Lets hope I can get a breakeven.

Im not working.. Im whining

I'm down with a bad cold, have been planning a few things for the past few days to finish. Since I came back to Bangalore from an India trip, I had decided Ill take enough initiative and join dance classes and then look for a job.

a) Ive just started looking for dance classes, which hasn't gone very well

b) My portfolio is nowhere near to be made

c) I haven't even chalked out a plan to what types of job to look at. Leave alone applying to any of them.

The few attempts I made in the past few days were all unfruitful . Every night I would come back home whining that things didn't work out my way, but do you want to know why it REALLY didn't work out? Its because I didn't try enough.

You know when sometimes in life, you try something but you already know you wont get it, the effort is less than half because you are defeated in the mind. I dont know why I am having this.

Thats where I turn to blogging, because I know that this is the only place which will get my thoughts together, get my act together and take the initiative, be pushy.

I need to get out of my comfort zone and take the initiative.

And yet again, typing down the thoughts does relax my mind . Im glad

Did I make a difference?

I had one of my introspection days today. I think it started because I saw someone in this company who made a big difference to the company. I'm talking about A.K. I couldn't be happier and more proud of him when a colleague of mine came and told me how much he has heard about his work in this company. I have always known A.K to be a very hard worker and he is sincere in whatever he does. Just like the Bhagvad Gita says that Duty always comes first, he is a firm believer of it. So this guy I was talking to was all praises about A.K and how he contributed a lot to the company.

Its just that at that moment when I was feeling so happy and proud of him, I kept having this recurring thought... How much did I contribute to the company? Did I make any difference in these 8 months that I was here to anyone/anything?

I know I have decided to go ahead with my plans of doing what I like to do. But I was just very thoughtful today.I think all of us, to some extent want to feel important. Want to make a difference. Want to feel valued. Its not just about the importance you might get from the people around you, but I think its essential for oneself. One needs to feel proud of themselves, and not feel like another couch potato whose being or not being did not make any difference to those around you.

I think a few things are important for the well being and constant morale boost of every individual.

Ask yourself this.

Did your presence cause impact of any sort to your company?

Honestly, I don't have an answer for myself for this question . I really want to believe that I did cause some difference to the company. I know I might not have. But I know I want to make a difference wherever I am.

No qualms, its always a new beginning.

Now I understand what an awkward situation means...

Funny as it may sound, but feeling out of place in a huge crowd of people can be the worst feeling..

I had the exact same feeling a while ago.
I went out with a couple of friends of the one because of whom I went. They were four in all. The worst part is because they all know each other really well, and their conversation involved a lot of internal talks. The worst part was , the person who was common to both me and them didnt seem to help either. So at the end of it, I was just sitting and listening to what they were talking, half of which I didnt comprehend because it involved some internal joke or some incident that I'm not aware of. It really disgusted me to the core.
It was a cold, dark night. 11.00 o clock in the night. Chilly winter. I was wearing that person's pyjamas and a T-Shirt, looking nothing better than a mad woman walking on the streets in loose clothes and unkept hair, my cheeks were red because of a lot of exercise I had done, my Kajal was spread across my under eye bags, making me look like a total unkept, ungroomed psychopath. Anyway, I wasnt even totally over the pain of entering a posh coffee shop looking like a total hag, than I realised that worse was to come.
To fake smile is something I have learnt from stage performances. But to fake smile when you are not understanding what the hell is happening for almost an hour and a half was the biggest test of my life.

More than test, somehow it began to annoy me a little towards the end. They aren't bad people I'm sure. Its just the feeling of feeling stupid and awkward in a situation that made me feel really weird.

But I must admit this too. Venting this random feeling out was the first step of conquering it. I already feel much better now. And my list of new year resolutions is almost out. I know I wont have time to blog tomorrow as Ill be busy getting dressed for the New Year Eve Party. So Im thinking why not blog my list today itself. Already feeling in the wonderful mood right now. :)

Why I am vulnerable right now...

I decided to reflect upon my life.. Pre Bangalore vs Post Bangalore. And see where I am going. And how has it been for me till date.

Firstly I'm going to list down all the things I feel or the traits which are currently there.

- I get happy very fast too.

- I feel lonely very fast nowadays.

- And the past two feelings suggest I have been getting very vulnerable.

I just talked to Popat and realized that this vulnerability is nothing but parting sadness. And the real problem here is that I miss people after spending good quality time with him, but get really irritated if I feel they don't miss me enough. I think people are different. And we just have to understand that different people are made differently.

Anyway, I need to uplift my mood so that I can work upon my New Year Resolutions as well as the long list of work to be finished.

Feeling Blue.. Maybe because once you get a burst of happiness and back home, you want some more!!!

Time to sleep it off and forget about it.

This one doesnt have a title

With each passing day, I tend to believe even more that blogging makes me really happy. After a long , hard day of multi tasking and trying to make ends meet at work, there is nothing better than listening to some nice music and just writing out everything that is in my head. Somehow it helps me clear declutter my mind.

The latest thing that has caught my fancy is singing along with Karaoke on Youtube. I sang along to a few songs till now, my favourite being Yellow by Coldplay, You 're still the one by Shania Twain and Zombie by Cranberries. Zombie just came by chance, I heard our office band singing this song during one of their jam sessions. I loved it so much that I actually went to the extent of making my roommate call one of those guys to find out what the song was.
Talking of music, Zufair just reminded me of how much I am in love with Mohit Chauhan's voice.
So listening to one of his latest songs from his album Fitoor.

My annual day dance is getting me a little stressed out. Its a lot of factors put together, different people having different opinions, not able to find the perfect time for everyone to come and practice .. and most importantly, these practice sessions have been taking out this mean person inside me .
I was a little rude with Psycho today, was really mean with some of the guys who keep commenting on everything and anything under the sun. I feel like Im behaving like a total arrogant b*&%$ when I'm trying to get practice done . I dont like that side of me. And honestly, I think Im not doing my job well if Im not keeping the dancers happy. I feel responsible somehow to make this dance go smoothly. I am not expecting the best dance to come out of this, but something that makes me happy and rememeber it as a performance that I did. So yeah, I feel a little guilty now, but charged up to try and be nicer to people when dance practice is going on.

More on my updates. I have a friendly basketball match with one of the best women's team of Bangalore. God save us. On a fitness note, there is a midnight marathon organised in Bangalore every year. I plan to run the IT run event which is a 4.2 Km run. I just hope Im able to squeeze in some time to do all these things.

Today, I just realised how even talking to some people for sometime and uplift one's mood to such a brilliant level.

And the weirdest part is that I began writing my blog with the intention to ramble along for sometime. :)

The journey so far...

So , after yet another long sabbatical from blogging, I'm finally charged up, ready to start blogging again.

So, few of the random attempts and resolutions taken during the first three months at Bangalore.

- Get thinner, jog for at least half an hour everyday in the gym below my building.

- Don't drink coffee at office, especially when you get stressed and have deadlines to meet.

- Don't get annoyed with people unnecessarily , especially when you know they care about you. and you know they care a lot about you.

- Speak yourself out, you know you need to speak up.

- Just realized that dates , and when I say dates, I mean the fruit (no pun intended) is very good for health

- Do one new thing every month, the assignment called "pet project of the month" by "Juna" .. Beginning with learning to solve the Rubik's cube this month.

- Smile, smile more when you are stressed. You know you cant beat the stress, so enjoy it.

So, its been a pretty awesome journey so far. Three months, seems like a lifetime. And I'm loving it.

Its a scary world , but its still comforting.

Midget or A Giant?

When I was small, I used to come back from school and cry everyday and ask my mom, "Why am I not tall?"

My mom always told me "Big things come in small packages."

As i grew up, I became pretty confident in my own skin. I never took height as an important factor and always thought, God didn't make everyone perfect. He always made them beautiful but with a flaw. Maybe my flaw was my height.

Im 22. High in sprits and peak of my analysis. Ive come to terms with my flaws and strengths.

But I am still curious. Is height an important criteria to describe your superiority over others in terms of external beauty?

One thing as we see, all the models are tall. And they definitely look good. Sexy rather.

So are actors.

Height is associated with sexiness quotient , but petiteness is associate with cuteness.

The preconceived notion of smallness linked with a baby, or rather a child is what describes

the cuteness quotient.

Somehow, a very major part of the society sees height as a major factor for good looks.

Why is it that we dont like seeing tiny people on the ramp?

Strange as it is.

THERE'S A SAYING THAT "HEIGHT IS MIGHT" ESPECIALLY IN BASKETBALL AND BEAUTY PAGEANTS.

HEIGHT WAS NOT REALLY AN ISSUE DURING THE 50'S, 60'S, 70'S AND EVEN IN THE 80'S. BUT FROM THE 90'S UP TO THE PRESENT, HEIGHT BECOMES A DETERMINING FACTOR IN CHOOSING THE WINNERS IN VARIOUS BEAUTY PAGEANTS.

Does the liking for tall people come from the fact that we love and get inspired by the White Race and try to be like them? Right from using fairness creams to having a physique like them, does the fantasy of become taller and using products like YOKO height increaser come from the White Race?

If not , then where is this coming from?

I dont like dance competitions.

Something about dance being a "competition" has always repelled me since childhood. Maybe it is something to do with the fact that I haven't won a single dance award. Or maybe because I just want to dance to dance, not to be judged and compared with other dancers. I think dance is something where its best to feel you are the best. And dance because you love dancing.

Plain and Simple.

Like one loves someone. Does one compare them with others? No.

One just loves them.

Thats why, when there is any dance performance in my college, I just like to dance. But then I dont like to get into the competition loop..

I know people say competitive spirit makes a performance better. But somehow, I cant fit into this concept of competition.

Run not to beat someone, run because you like to run.

Dance not to show you are a better dancer than someone, dance because you love to dance.

Why I lost the Semi Finals .....

I had my semi finals Inter Branch basketball the same day I was leaving for home. IT/BI vs CS/Chemical. The game began at around 5.00pm. We were on an easy lead. And I was pretty sure we will win. The last quarter began. Unfortunately I already had four personal fouls on me. If I made one more, I would have had to substitute me for someone else. I was playing carefully. Trying hard not to lose my temper. All efforts in vain. We lost. Do you know why? It wasn't my not-upto-the-mark game. It was something else. For the first time in my life, I felt that some people succeeded in breaking my confidence, distracting me to the level that instead of focusing on the game I was busy focusing on how to stop people from saying things. Cheering is one thing during a game, and commenting is another. I know this sentence is coming out from someone who has never let these things affect any game. But amongst the tension,game plan,adrenaline rush due to energetic running on the court, I lost it. Completely. I hated it. And when my heart was hurt, everything erupted. I was dribbling on the court and I heard someone say "Arey akele thodi khelna hota hai, doosro ko bhi khelne do" . I admit I can dribble well, but the second someone said that I lost hold of my basketball. I got it back with some effort again, and by that time I was so anxious and hyper that I had totally forgotten that I was supposed to save the last foul for the last quarter. All the unnecessary hooting and "KP haaregi" ,"KP ka shot nahi jaayega" got me hyper. I pushed the girl who was defending me and took a shot. And guess what? The shot when in straight through the basket . A clean sweep.


But worse was to come. The referees paused the game. The shot wasn't counted.Along with that I was given a foul for charging. My last foul for the game. Last quarter. All gone. I was substituted. The score that time was 9-4. Five minutes left to the game being finished. We were leading. I thought we will survive. I came out and watched those guys in utter fury and resentment. Within two minutes the opponents took 2 shots. 9-8. Within the next minute another shot. 9-10. I knew it at that time that we have lost . I still didnt lose hope. Asked my teammates for just one more shot. Within a matter of seconds, both the referees took their hands and signalled the ending of the fourth quarter.


I lost..



But isnt it ironic that these same people, who had hooted for our team so badly during Sportomania '09 actually made us win?They were the ones who actually motivated me to play so well. You know something? Im horrible at takng shots. My only strong point in the game is dribbling. Otherwise my shots are normally very innacurate. You know during sportomania, I converted 13 shots and 7 free throws ?Guess why? The negative hooting of "7 number haarega" made me truly positive about playing well. I was laughing with pity and remorse looking at them. Because I knew what the results would be. So those set of people were probably the only elements that made us win the game. But this time I lost. I didn't take their criticisms positively. Its my fault. If I could have done the same thing that I used to do earlier, then these negative hooting would be the best motivator for me.

The road less travelled

Im scared. Not scared to death. But scared. I want to know what's best for me. I happened to meet this woman in our flat who had been in the Navy for seven years. I was awe struck by her. And at this point, I feel like a little kid. I feel like thinking about random things right now, a lot of things ...and nothing related to each other. A complete mad hatter is what I feel right now:

a)Join the navy.
b)Become a veterinary doc.
c)Open a dance class for 15 days in Gandhinagar, and teach them a few dance routines. Pocket money.
d)Go abroad and learn Ballet.
e)Take a trip with my mom and sister. Girls Holiday Out.
f)Sleep continuously atleast for 16 hours. And feel totally fresh.
g)Buy a domain name .Create a web site.
h)Collaborate with my mom and hold a dance competition for different categories in the Town Hall at Gandhinagar. Something small but fulfilling to start with.
i)Not to sit for my placements at all. No point because anyway they are looking for coders. Whtas the point of looking for a "backup" just incase things dont work out.
j)Collaborate with my mom and help her open a boutique. I will be incharge of decorating the boutique. Decorating it with handicrafts and artifacts. Use of wood logs in the boutique as seats. Converting our garage into a boutique seems like a wonderful idea. :):)


I dont know why is it that a lot of times this randomness enters my head and stays for a long time. Why is it that I end up deciding the most random things in life and something so monotonous comes on my way?

I dont know what to do. I just dont. Will this realisation ever come to me?Or shall I do everything turn by turn?

And when I dont, I just want to go home. Things seem so much simpler then.
Even without a solution. :(:(

???

In the midst of being upset, I just happened to see the tags of my blogs,and i realized that I have the maximum tags are of a)Memories b)Happiness c)Change is Necessary.


Why the hell am i losing my cool if Im having a share of sadness in my life then?

CAN I SCREAM OUT LOUD???

God.....Soo much pressure at one go. Unix,the subject has grilled my head,the final project report,fully bound,with lamination has our guide's pen marks on it.  Reason???Correction in a few errors...God ....750 bucks.. has to be remade. Solution:We will just stick pages on top of it..Result:Untidy report. Too much course for the exam.. Plus the hostel gate closed at 8.30 today.Couldnt go out to meet someone. I am feelin irritated right now,tied down,frustrated...Annoyed is more like the word. 

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Silver lining: The fact that im venting out myself is already making me feel better.  I got the negtivity out.. 

Another advantage of blogging you see..

I still wish to scream out louddddd......once...so thats its all out of my system..

Change is constant! Frustrated Ramblings...

The year 2009 has been a year of a lot of change in my life.And as I always say..expect the unexpected. Too many things happened which has led me in a very different world than I normally was. And to be frank..Im not sure how good am I at adapting changes..

a)Internship at Microsoft,Hyderabad.Absolutely unexpected.Especially for a non technical person like me.Apparently they were looking for an intern who could fit into the post of a Product Manager.Not sure how i ended up fitting into it.

b)The formation of a full fledged basketball team girls of of MANIT,Bhopal.. we went to Hoshangabad to play an open state basketball championship and were runners up..i.e reached the finals..god only knows how that happened because we were so unprepared.Didn't have players decided at positions and at the same time,didnt even have a basketball kit...Anyway again the second element of surprise.

c)Sportomania 2009- MANIT inter college sports meet happening for the first time for girls. We won the finals basketball..Again a mystery how.. And seriously we hadn't even practiced ..

d)Lost out on two really close friends from my life because of huge misunderstandings and their disappointment over a decision I took in my life. I did not know ill have to pay such a heavy price for The ONE decision of my life.I still miss them too much,,and waiting for them to come back. Because they should understand that its one thing to take a decision and abide by it and another thing to lose out on friends and feel lonely,inspite of having so many people around. So 2009 made me realise Im a really cruel person who just knows to hurt people .

e)Took one major decision of my life of not being alone. And because I gained someone in my life,i ended up losing two. And this gaining wasn't expected.I was always against this policy ..but hypocrite that i am,i changed it.

f)Room got renovated and house looked really different. Not so big a change but listing things irrespective of their order of priority.

g)In this dilemma in the middle of this year what am i actually going to do in future..It seems so easy for people going for some coaching ,whether or not they are happy,because they atleast striving to work for something.What am i striving to work for?I have no idea.

h)Being scrutinized by some colleagues of my college and people judging me for decisions that i have taken in my life has been cornering me to a very huge extent.I normally am a very strong person but to some level...i get the feeling i can crack anytime...so vulnerable i am right now.

i)I'm happy that the decision i have taken in my life has been treating me well.No complaints at all.Infact Im really happy for that one thing.The external effects of course is taking a toll on my strength and courage,but the decision itself has made me happy.

j)People scrutinizing my decision and suspecting it has again been freaking me out to a huge extent.Esp if it was my close friend. I really don't want them to come to me and tell me that they had warned me and i didn't listen if i regret my decision..which till now i obviously don't.



So basically tooo many changes happening in a person makes her blank about whatever is happening. She is strong about adapting to changes,but wants a few things never to change.Like losing out on friends..Because she really is waiting to get her two lost friends back to her life.Because she really really missed them the most right now. Will she get them back?

Is control over yourself always the answer?

Does one always have to control what they think or feel?Doesn't it ever happen that for once you feel like surrendering to destiny? Or surrendering to what you think or feel? Instead of trying to capture those emotions into one big prison,because you think thats the way it should be......or if its the other way round,it might end up harming you??

Although sometimes after one has surrendered,one might face failures and then look back and wonder whether they took the right decision in the first place..So its upto oneself to think what is more important.........those cherished moments that live forever,even after knowing that failure has happened?Or "strategize" so perfectly that one ends up preventing....and Curing doesn't get a chance at all?

Once bitten,twice shy....I know that.. But what if one doesn't want to think at all?