Organizing the mind and redirecting negative energies

Many things to write.

When I cannot put it in the right order, I write it in the form of list. As long as it gets out of my head and successfully put down on the blog, then my job is done.

- I conducted my first demo class for the summer workshop. Plus finished registrations. The best part about teaching kids is that they'll always, always love you. Plus, I got to meet a few working mothers who were demanding a weekend dance aerobics class to get them to move. Its not exactly dance I know, but it totally belongs to my category of Piah Wellness. I have always had in my mind to also do something in health and wellness apart from dance. Give them health tips, teach them different exercise techniques, explain the importance of exercise and good health , not just to look good, but to live longer younger.

- I ran around the whole day yesterday. From an early morning dance class to registrations of kids to printing the receipts . So after all of that being clubbed together, plus after cooking quite an elaborate lunch, I was pretty tired in the evening. So decided to take the time off and not do anything. I could have slept because I slept only for six hours that previous night. But instead, decided to watch some Friends, clean my room, have a nice warm water shower and drink a warm glass of milk. I drink milk or Horlicks in the night to induce faster and more blissful sleep.

- I was really happy yesterday because I ensured I did all the work on time and then slept off exactly by 9.45pm. I'm sure I would have entered deep sleep mode by 10.00pm. Got up today morning at 6.30am. After checking mails/blogs/facebook, I drank a bottle of water and exercised for an hour. After a long time, I have had time to exercise at my own ease and then cook breakfast at my own ease without knowing that I'll have to hurry anywhere.

A plate of cut fruits, oats and milk topped with papayas and two boiled egg whites with salt and pepper. It couldn't get better.

I know for sure that in moments of frustration or any kind of negativity, if we can transfer all the energy into exercise, nothing can be better. We would never get old that way. So my new resolution is to start doing stomach crunches or push ups whenever I feel anger inside me. Lets see how much I can tone up my arms or waist that way.

The minor setback that led to a positive me.

Today was essentially an productive day. Well, I wouldn't call it totally unproductive, because even if it began with a major headache, a bad cold and fever, and which was followed by my bouts of crankiness and whining about how nobody cares about me, it ended in me feeling that I needed to wake up and start doing something about my life. I was neatly aware of the fact that I needed to make some changes in my life to make things work. To make myself more disciplined, to get into a routine , to take charge of my life. And till I don't feel proud of myself, Ill always feel that others around me think low of me. The problem lies not in them, but in me. But this problem wont stay for long. Just the time to get up and get going.

The only little thing I'm scared about is the bad karma generated after removing my bouts of temper on others. I know results of karma, be it good or bad, hits me faster than I think. Like a reflex action.

Now I understand what an awkward situation means...

Funny as it may sound, but feeling out of place in a huge crowd of people can be the worst feeling..

I had the exact same feeling a while ago.
I went out with a couple of friends of the one because of whom I went. They were four in all. The worst part is because they all know each other really well, and their conversation involved a lot of internal talks. The worst part was , the person who was common to both me and them didnt seem to help either. So at the end of it, I was just sitting and listening to what they were talking, half of which I didnt comprehend because it involved some internal joke or some incident that I'm not aware of. It really disgusted me to the core.
It was a cold, dark night. 11.00 o clock in the night. Chilly winter. I was wearing that person's pyjamas and a T-Shirt, looking nothing better than a mad woman walking on the streets in loose clothes and unkept hair, my cheeks were red because of a lot of exercise I had done, my Kajal was spread across my under eye bags, making me look like a total unkept, ungroomed psychopath. Anyway, I wasnt even totally over the pain of entering a posh coffee shop looking like a total hag, than I realised that worse was to come.
To fake smile is something I have learnt from stage performances. But to fake smile when you are not understanding what the hell is happening for almost an hour and a half was the biggest test of my life.

More than test, somehow it began to annoy me a little towards the end. They aren't bad people I'm sure. Its just the feeling of feeling stupid and awkward in a situation that made me feel really weird.

But I must admit this too. Venting this random feeling out was the first step of conquering it. I already feel much better now. And my list of new year resolutions is almost out. I know I wont have time to blog tomorrow as Ill be busy getting dressed for the New Year Eve Party. So Im thinking why not blog my list today itself. Already feeling in the wonderful mood right now. :)

Why I am vulnerable right now...

I decided to reflect upon my life.. Pre Bangalore vs Post Bangalore. And see where I am going. And how has it been for me till date.

Firstly I'm going to list down all the things I feel or the traits which are currently there.

- I get happy very fast too.

- I feel lonely very fast nowadays.

- And the past two feelings suggest I have been getting very vulnerable.

I just talked to Popat and realized that this vulnerability is nothing but parting sadness. And the real problem here is that I miss people after spending good quality time with him, but get really irritated if I feel they don't miss me enough. I think people are different. And we just have to understand that different people are made differently.

Anyway, I need to uplift my mood so that I can work upon my New Year Resolutions as well as the long list of work to be finished.

Feeling Blue.. Maybe because once you get a burst of happiness and back home, you want some more!!!

Time to sleep it off and forget about it.

Another day of a lost fight with my own self...

Its been a few days since Zufair pointed out a few flaws in me. The same flaws that Ive been living with all my life, something Ive never wanted to have in me. and yet, there are moments when I lose it.
I dont want to punish myself repeatedly for it, because it will dull down my morale, at the same time cut down those flaws, just like how a chain smoker would cut down his cigarettes in a rehabilitation center.

Isnt it so ironic that when I was small, and I would see my loved ones smoking , I would often wonder how weak would their will power be to be able to conquer smoking and just go cold turkey. But now that I look at me, it doesnt seem much different to conquer this flaw of mine. The tendency to lose temper fast, the tendency to feel hurt soon. Infact feeling hurt sooner is a much bigger flaw than losing temper. Feeling hurt is followed by self pity, which makes me feel utterly miserable, dependent and vulnerable.

Like today, I was silly enough to have a momentary lapse of temper with Zufair just because he made fun of my hair. (@Zufair : Openly admitting my shortcoming suggests that I am trying to improve and take in the right spirit :))

And then something as stupid as OT scolding me for not using other people's cellphones to take photos. Worse to come, I actually looked for another reason to be angry at him, a reason big enough that could destroy important strings attached in life. When I look at the bigger picture, I know how much importance this person holds in my life. I can see the effort taken from that side to keep me happy. And I am.


Then for what did I get hurt? Just to satisfy my ego? To prove me right?
I know that someday will come where I dont let anger rule over me.
And the struggle for it has already begun.

So at the end of the day, I tag this blog as "I_am_grateful_for" because I am grateful there have been these two people who have been with me and tolerated me inspite of my flaws.

I really want to be what Russell Peters says (in Zufair's rendition)
"When you look at a tree, and if there was a camera that would take pictures of what is going on inside your head, you should be able to see nothing."