Why do we have bouts of negativity?

I thought of getting this negativity out of me. Like a disgusting virus that I would treat with yoga. Or an infection out of the body with medicines. I'm letting this be my medicine.

So I have been very very negative with everything around me for the past couple of days. I haven't yet been able to figure out what it is, but its eating me up. I thought I should blog about it, because as much as I don't gather strength to write down when I'm low, it is the truth that only blogging really helps me vent out all that is there inside.

So I have been very insecure lately. With everything around me. With OT. And sometimes I just feel its immaturity. In fact I ALWAYS feel it after I am done feeling that negative emotion. Has it ever happened to you that you feel so insecure about everyone around you? This ugly feeling that your friends have more important friends than you? And then to avoid that you try and cling on to them more, and that puts them off all the more. And then you get more annoyed and cling on even more.

And the cycle goes on.

The only way to break this cycle?

To get rid of your own shortcomings.

I mean forget ego, forget being right all the time. Whats more important right now is not to be important, but to understand that its OK to be wrong , as long as at the end of it you thank yourself for being wrong and correcting it.

Sometimes even when work goes on very well, and to avoid facing the problems that we are facing, we tend to hide in excess of work, making ourselves believe that working like mad will actually divert attention.

Sorry to burst the bubble, but it doesn't. It just waits for it to ferment inside, till it becomes so stale but you cannot get it out because its become a part of your skin.

That is exactly what I have been doing till now. Any problem, any shortcoming, anything that bothers me... I sink myself in work.

End result : Work has gone well. I haven't.

So I take a pledge this time. Next time I have a problem, I solve it then and there and then move on in life. And blog about it if I have the time, space and required tools.

How many of you are with me in taking this pledge? I hope to create an anonymous page where we can rant away all out problems, we can share with each other how to solve it , but never have to know who it really was.

After all, there is a huge part of all of us that does not like telling others if we have a problem. All of us are born in a way where we'll show we are happier than what we really are. I think its good in a way, its like Fake smiling.

When you are upset and still have to smile, you start feeling genuinely happy after sometime.

But lets get to the root of it this time. Lets make ourselves feel better . Lets be honest and get all the negativity out. Trust me, its Ok to be sad about something. We are human after all right. Just like we feel happy, we do feel sad,upset, insecure, negative, suspicious, impatient, intolerant.

I am saying all this because this is what I am (or was) experiencing .

And every time, blogging substantiates my belief of being therapeutic in nature.

So lets take a pledge together today, shall we?

Time to pen down thoughts

Its been many many days since I blogged last.Blogging is like smoking, you are never interested till you start smoking, and once you start it is difficult to stop. I think I had my share of not wanting to blog because I stopped blogging for a few days.

I dont know whether its just with me, but life tends to run so much faster when you don't pen down your journey. (or blog, in my case). I dont know how fast this month flew.

Loads of events happened by the way.

a)I got much better at cooking. I can cook good curry, sambar and other things.

b)I got part time jobs at two places in Bangalore. So getting stronger financially.

c) I met a contemporary dancer in my dance class who has been learning for the past seven years. She asked me to come to her troupe rehearsals for corporate shows. Couldn't be happier getting an opportunity like this.

d)My dance class is going on in full force.

e)I started reading the Mahabharatha and I can't get enough of it. So, I need to improve my knowledge of mythology to a great extent to be able to give dance exams.

f) Piah dance studio is going really well in the clubhouse. I have some fifteen students now. They all listen to me and really enjoy dancing. Unfortunately though, I slacked off in terms of expanding Piah Dance studio to other places. Also, my logo, receipt book and site are still pending which makes me really really guilty.

While my fingers were moving on the keyboard writing all this, I just realised how much I missed blogging. It makes me want to live up to the routine. But I need to take one step at a time.

Eight months and a bundle of attachments..

I felt really sad today. Extremely Sad. It all suddenly looked like it was all for the money. I admit that there was a time when I joined here where I felt that they pay me less, but eight months here and a lot of exposure to the work and responsibility really made me feel that maybe it wasn't about the money anyway. Its just been eight months in this place, and I already responsible towards the company. Now I understand why people like A.K treat this place like their baby.

Looking at so many people wanting to leave just because some other place makes me feel sad. Makes me feel why everyone is running after the money. I agree you should change your job if you think your job is not good enough. But to be honest, I quite liked my job a lot. Me, someone who loves having things in action, does not like sitting on my desk, likes dancing, managing events is saying this. There must have been something about this job that made me stick around for so long without complaining. A few days of low obviously were there, but who does not have those days?

I might have decided to move on to explore my other talents, but if anyone with a job is reading this, please remember

Do not try to look for a job that pays you more. Look for a job that gives you greater satisfaction.

A bright, new, happy 2011 !!!

I have so many things to write today. So I went about it by jotting down all the points I wanted to write before I forget. This substantiates the fact of my fetish for making lists.

I had a very happy New Year's Eve party last night. I danced like crazy. And suddenly I realized that its the most fun thing dancing with A.K. Everything suddenly becomes bliss. I know he is not a big fan of dancing. But I also know that he doesn't mind dancing once in a while with me. I was just a little worried towards the end because Popat became unwell. Also that I lost my clutch that had my debit card and my license. (Zufair : I know. This must be making you really happy. This is still nothing compared to the four cards you lost in six months)

Still, somehow these little roadblocks didn't stop me from feeling happy about the New Year Eve party. I think because it had a lot to do with the fact that I had all my close ones in Bangalore (Zufair was missing though :(..I wish he had been there too.) , the blissful dance with A.K and the final countdown to 2011. Honestly, after that precious moment when the crowds shouted "5..4..3..2..1", I became so emotional that I started crying. It just takes a drop of the hat for my tears to start rolling.

On this note, I want to make a special mention of A.K who has made my journey in Bangalore really special. Sometimes in life you need a cushion, to fall back on when you know the world slaps you with a hard hand. I have so much faith in him, because I know I have him in my life. There is immense happiness and tonnes of happy tears when I'm with him. I'm so glad that there's been a great beginning for 2011. I'm so glad that even the little fights we have had has never let me stop seeing the big picture, and realize there are more important things in life than winning some petty fight. And as I mentioned before, I've never loved dancing with anyone as much I have loved dancing with you.

This New Year Eve party involved me doing a lot of shopping. I have A.K's Canon Powershot SX110 IS which is THE best thing I could have in my hand. I took pictures of all the dresses and shoes that I bought. Will upload once I get the data cable from him. Also, along with those dresses, I suddenly got the mood to try out different styles of clothing from whatever I have in my wardrobe. How it all started was, I was watching these "How to dress in Style" videos on youtube.com. And seeing these girls team up simple t-shirts with belts and looking like style icons inspired me to do the same. Fortunately, I succeeded in creating one top-jeans-shoes-belt combination which looked pretty good. Anyway, I clicked pictures of me wearing them.

Adding to my list of things that I need to do in the next two days includes inquiring about my lost clutch, my lost driver's license, and getting a new debit card. I'll be joining dance classes soon.

Adding to the New Year resolution list :

1)Get a professional photoshoot.

2)Dont let people treat you like a pushover(Learn to be firm and ward unwanted people away).

Music I'm listening to :Beyonce, Irreplacable (Spanish version)

Book I'm reading : Catcher in the Rye by J.D Salinger

Weird Fact of the Day : When you type "add" in T9 on your mobile, the first word that it gives you is "bed". ( I don't know how "bed" is a more common word than "add"... Don't want to think deeper into this though. (chuckle))

Health Tip I just learned : Just found out that lycopene, found in tomatoes are absorbed in the body only if you take in with a little amount of fat. The best suggestion is to add a little olive oil to the salad. Time to buy Olive Oil I think.

Also, I oiled and steamed my hair. Lately I have been having more bad hair days than good ones. Soon , I plan to visit the dentist and the dermatologist to get myself checked.

Finally, I'm taking this moment to thank all the people who were there for me in 2010. In no particular order :Zubair ,Urvi, Alfan, Prerna, Amar, Indu, Animesh, Amit, Farah, Vivek, PU, Tirus, Smriti, Sonali, Harsh Mishra, GT, Pratham, Goli, Polly, Mom and Dad, Abhishek,juniors like Monika, Rakesh, Manju, the gujjus Amit, Megha(the biggest Gunti), Rekha (the biggest Drama Queen)..the IT Folks : Nandu, Chansal, Apurva, YK, Ritika and others, my basketball team: Sarita, Rachna, Siddhant, Rekha and all the others in the girls and guys team, Work people like Kranthi, Anup, Supriya, Madhavi, Komal, Jigisha, Madhurita, Ramya, Komal, Renjit, Vimmy, Eswar, Sumesh,my blog twin Anurag aka Lavinor.

And finally A.K... for giving me all the happiness I ever wanted.

(I apologize if I forgot a few names.. It might just mean that you were very important but always there.. so didn't click in my head)

New Year Resolutions..

This might not be the entire list. But just the few that I decided to put up :

1. To take a pledge to donate all my body organs that can be donated after I pass away. (Its a grieving resolution, but I thought why not help someone else after I am gone?)
2. To decide what tattoo to get and get it before 2011.
3. To read one book every fortnight. That way, to read 24 books in 2011. And add a (+1) to make it my lucky number. Makes it 25 books in 2011.
4. Stop procrastinating. This is a resolution I keep every year, but fail to stick to it.
5. Get going on Bharatanatyam . I suddenly realised I have only one and a half years to complete my aim of doing an Arangetram before I turn 25. Atleast let me start now, if not 25 , Ill still do it someday.

Will fill in some more that are to come by tomorrow.
Happy New Year all of you!!! :):) Stop drinking and getting slaushed this New Year Eve. Wake up early morning, and get ready to kick start a bright, new morning. :)

Another day of a lost fight with my own self...

Its been a few days since Zufair pointed out a few flaws in me. The same flaws that Ive been living with all my life, something Ive never wanted to have in me. and yet, there are moments when I lose it.
I dont want to punish myself repeatedly for it, because it will dull down my morale, at the same time cut down those flaws, just like how a chain smoker would cut down his cigarettes in a rehabilitation center.

Isnt it so ironic that when I was small, and I would see my loved ones smoking , I would often wonder how weak would their will power be to be able to conquer smoking and just go cold turkey. But now that I look at me, it doesnt seem much different to conquer this flaw of mine. The tendency to lose temper fast, the tendency to feel hurt soon. Infact feeling hurt sooner is a much bigger flaw than losing temper. Feeling hurt is followed by self pity, which makes me feel utterly miserable, dependent and vulnerable.

Like today, I was silly enough to have a momentary lapse of temper with Zufair just because he made fun of my hair. (@Zufair : Openly admitting my shortcoming suggests that I am trying to improve and take in the right spirit :))

And then something as stupid as OT scolding me for not using other people's cellphones to take photos. Worse to come, I actually looked for another reason to be angry at him, a reason big enough that could destroy important strings attached in life. When I look at the bigger picture, I know how much importance this person holds in my life. I can see the effort taken from that side to keep me happy. And I am.


Then for what did I get hurt? Just to satisfy my ego? To prove me right?
I know that someday will come where I dont let anger rule over me.
And the struggle for it has already begun.

So at the end of the day, I tag this blog as "I_am_grateful_for" because I am grateful there have been these two people who have been with me and tolerated me inspite of my flaws.

I really want to be what Russell Peters says (in Zufair's rendition)
"When you look at a tree, and if there was a camera that would take pictures of what is going on inside your head, you should be able to see nothing."

I feel nice...

Its 10.12pm , Im sitting in the office. Dont be surprised, for a change Im not working at night. I left office relatively early today, had a dance meeting where, after too much of discussion I came to my usual bias of doing slow, graceful songs compared to peppy-filmy-bollywoodish numbers.

My roommate Madhavi (aka Psycho) came along with me for the dance meeting.
She somehow had her Monday evening blues, so when we set out of the office, I decided to get the best food and let her feel good at home. Somehow, it so happened that due to some work she had to get back to the office, so I decided to accompany her. With two bags full of food, I managed to enter office and here I am, listening to her while blogging.

I had a nice lunch talk with A.K. And somehow he is right, I should really stop being revengeful. I know that its not going to take me anywhere. I am so proud of him. Somehow I knwo that he got my frustrations out so easily, that I know he will be able to calm her down and give the best advice. Sometimes I wonder, how can someone so young have a maturity of an old sage. Its the combination of the maturity and the patience he has that makes him such a perfect advisor.

Also, Im really proud of Zubair (aka Zufair) who is finally beginning to conquer what he likes. Its just today that I realised his value in my life here. His presence is like a "Chuddy Buddy" which always comforts me. And funnier being me showing my confidence and discussing some non-work issues about him with one of the top heads of my workplace. Either its called confidence, or its called stupidity. I am definitely one of them.

I also felt really good because I read this blog called Ill Seen , Ill Said. The blog about finding the perfect mug really inspired me. Such little details which are so important in life also mean a lot to me. Like finding the perfect mug where one's fingers can fit perfectly. Nice read.

Good Morning - Daily Dose 29/11/2010

I got up today morning with a bad headache, total guilt from saying nasty things last night and as a result with the fear that Ill lose loved ones. One thing that I realised about myself. I can be a complete b%&$@ with other people when Im angry at them, but when I look inside, I know that its me Im angry at. The real reason is actually that I'm not happy with my own life. The feeling of unfulfilment is always inside me. And I desperately need to do something about it. I can be happy with other people only if I am happy with myself. So I just need to take a few baby steps in order to make my life a better place.



First of all, I sincerely apologize to A.K , for being so nasty. You are a wonderful person at heart, and I always want you to have the best in life. Im going to be there with you and help you out whenever you need me. You have always been really nice to me , and maybe for sometime I took that for granted. I am lucky to have you in my life.

Ill try from now to be a nicer person.



I take an oath that Im going to write a daily Thanksgiving message for those things that Im thankful to , or grateful to have.