Like looking at the blank ceiling!!!

Has that feeling ever happened to you? Where you lie down on the bed and look at the ceiling wondering what the hell you are supposed to do next? Where is life going?
That happens to me quite often from time to time. I tend to plan a lot and sometimes when things do not go according to my plan then it takes me a while to figure out a backup.
Recently I had a Japan trip that for cancelled because some issuing of my visa. I was honestly upset a little, but more than that I became very blank about what I had to do in those days where Japan was supposed to happen.

I have had the craziest journey since I came to Bangalore. I joined my first company, met the nicest people there. Then I also decided to quit my job and start working as a freelancer, more than that a dancer.

Now being a woman AND a dancer in India is quite a challenge to be honest. First of all they are not looked as having a "good" career . Now because i live in Bangalore, I live in quite a bubble. But when i met a friend's relative who thought I was not a "good" girl because I danced, thats when I realised that it is actually majority in the country that contain the similar thought. I had another added baggage of being an engineer (which I absolutely do not regret, because I can use technology so much better and can use it in dance) , but a large section of people thought otherwise.

For example, I have had colleagues of the same company exactly sit and calculate how much I earn per month and whether it is more or less compared to what I earned in the company. I have had people say stuff like "it's ok you are a woman, you ll have a husband someday and then you can keep pursuing your hobby". I am quite a feminist that way, so when it comes to finances, I would never want to depend solely on a man to get my living going.

I don't really get the concept of a "good" girl. So if you don't have a boyfriend are you a "good" girl ? If you only clad a Salvar-Kameez are you a "good" girl? If you are married and still have a girls evening out are you a bad girl ? I am sure I am the epitome of a "bad" girl according to a large society in this country. And honestly it doesn't even bother me how they judge me. All of us are judgemental of things, and someone judging you the way you are will not change who you really are. So why break your head in trying to convince them otherwise.

Personally I get offended when people call my dancing a hobby. I earn my bread and butter through it, I paid rent and food and living expenses through this "hobby" of mine. I managed pretty well without borrowing anything from my house, except for maybe first two months expenses.

Anyway, so I find it so easy for so many people around me to judge me as being something or not being something I should be. Honestly , it ends up working in weird ways because I am with a rebel inside. And the moment someone asks me not to do something, it makes me want to do it all the more.

Work wise, things have been going on pretty well on the creative front. Jitters always will be there, considering I have stopped taking classes all together ad I'm just working on my first contemporary folk production called 'Bandhani'. I have big dreams and aspirations for Bandhani to go big. It is one idea where I don't care if I'm not the biggest dance company in Bangalore, nor do I have all the most expert dancers, but I have a brilliant team. And we work wonderfully as a team , and I love them just so much.

But yeah. Working for a big project requires you to sacrifice little things here and there. And then there can be times in your life where you would not know whether you are right thing, but you ll always have to keep hoping you are and keep going on.

One thing I learnt in life is to be persistent. I might not be the best dancer right now, but no way am I going to become the best if I don't stay persistent towards it.

It's such an irony that right now I feel so blank BECAUSE my kind is just flooded with so many rings I want to do. I a 26 right now and assume I live for another 74 years, I feel even 74  years will become so less for me considering I keep adding on new dreams and aspirations.



This is an ode to keep everyone s spirits alive, and make them live. 100 years so that they get time to finish everything they wanted in life!!!

How narcissistic should one be?

The story behind a narcissist is that according Greek Mythology there was a guy named Narcissus who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to consummate his relationship, he just waited by the pool of water forever and finally converted into a flower. 

It is a well known fact that everyone (excluding the very few exceptions) is trying to promote themselves on the internet, social networking sites and also when they meet people/friends/potential business opportunities. My understanding is that everyone can talk big about themselves only when they have an extremely high opinion of themselves / their work. Otherwise it would be very difficult to just blabber about their work or themselves without genuinely feeling good about themselves. And also that they should get into acting if they can really do that.

This then makes me wonder as to how much narcissism is actually good for your work/career. 

Say there are two people, one of them is an extremely talented piano player, but is extremely humble and never blows his own trumpet (no pun intended) but the other one is not as talented, but definitely not a bad piano player, but who keeps talking about himself and announcing his achievements all the time. 
From my experience, it looks like the person who talked about himself for a greater amount of time gets more music concerts than the one who is extremely talented but humble.

I wonder then, if that is actually true, as to why we stress so much on teaching kids about being humble and vanity is profanity. Is it actually profanity? Or is that narcissism that gets you forward in your career?

On the other hand, I have noticed that the people who are nice and down to earth are known to be better at working in a collaboration and get more work from the same client. That seems to me like the humble person might have more work from the same client (which may not be such a bad thing).

I have two simple questions in mind:

1)Does being humble mean you have an inferiority complex?Or does that mean you'll be able to grow as a more talented person given that you are open to criticism and self improvement?

2)Does being vain and narcissistic mean you'll go more forward in your career? Or will that hamper you as a frog living in a well?

I honestly used to be quite a vain person as a teenager. I used to think I am the smartest person on Earth. All that narcissism was brought down when I started meeting so many people and reading about so many people. Now I am on the side where I will promote my dance company, but not promote myself as much. Maybe that is a bad thing,I don't know?

What do you think? What gets you going in your career? Be it a corporate office, where you'll find many talkers who seem to know all ? Or are you into arts, and you are wondering whether you be like the guy who brags about himself all the time, or be the good guy who everyone likes?


Please share your thoughts. 

Your thoughts might be a life saver for a lot of people and their jobs, and also, to me. 

Do what makes you nothing but happy.

What is the point of doing anything otherwise? The primary reason why we as kids were asked to study, sleep early , eat food on time, play well, be a good child at school, grow up and go to a good college, get a reputed job , earn well was so that we could be happy. Everything that was asked from us as kids or even after we grew up by our parents was so that we could be happy. Why then would anyone do something that doesn't make us happy?

Think about it, I decided to succumb to something that didn't make me happy because I was scared not doing that MIGHT make me even more unhappy. The fear of greater unhappiness made us stick to the current status of dissatisfaction. You stay doing the same thing for the next thirty years. Assume you are 20 something, after 30 years you become 50 something. Salt and pepper hair, loose skin, wrinkles, all the glamour beginning to fade away. And then you think? Why did I do that particular thing that didn't make me happy?

I am a non drinker, non smoker. I have a lot of close friends who drink and smoke which is absolutely fine with me. I love them dearly and the smoking, drinking has nothing to do with my judgement of them. But there have been times in the past where I have been at parties with people I didn't know too well and always ended up being an outcast by being the only one who didn't drink and smoke. Smoking is fine as normally no one normally forces you to smoke. But not wanting to drink is quite a social stigma and people have come and told me I am like a 40 year old wanting to go to bed early without drinking (which I probably just might be). I have wished to succumb to that situation a few times, and honestly I have even decided to have a small glass of drink or something. I wake up the next day feeling totally groggy, my dance class mostly would have got missed as I would have got up late. And I feel like an entire day is about to get wasted.

Now, I am not oppose to the concept of drinking. I feel very happy for the people who get very happy drinking. It feels like a nice solution for the people who have drinking suit them. But it unfortunately does not suit my body. Why then, I wonder , should I succumb to something which ends up not making me feel happy?


This is an extremely trivial example of what I am talking about. But hope you get my point. Anything big or small that doesn't make us happy but we still do it, I don't know why. Like we get angry at someone who has been irritating us, and we end up feeling irritable long after the person has left. And then we are grumpy with ourselves, with our loved ones, with friends and family. What was the point then of feeling grumpy?

Life would be so much simpler if we just decide at every moment whether to do something or not to do something depending on whether it makes you happy. Now there are situations where doing something doesn't make you really happy but doesn't make you sad either. But say, it makes your spouse happy. Should you go ahead and do it? I say totally . Because seeing your spouse happy will make you feel happier (assuming it will) . Again comes around to doing what makes you happy. Even if the thing that makes you happy is seeing your loved one happy.

I can't sleep

I am back from my vacation. Its time to start work. I feel extremely jittery. The constant reminder that as each day passes my time to fulfill all my dreams is becoming lesser and lesser. I know that is a classic sign of impatience.

When I was in Andamans, I planned a lot of things to do, so many plans for Piah Dance Studio, and more than so many plans for myself as a dancer.

So when I got back three days back, one day went off in setting the house and being groggy all day as our multiple flights and never ending waiting time made us completely left without energy.

Now, two days later.. I made a list of all the plans and I'm suddenly feeling that I need to race at a faster speed. Thing is, whenever I finish one goal, there is a list of ten more goals added by then. Time just feels so less.

I'm not able to sleep because I'm already calculating how much more time for my arangetram, how much more time to get into national and even international performances (Yes, I hope to be really good one day, even if I'm not even half as good), then by how much time to get a plot and start an academy, how much more time amidst all this to try to work for TV Ads (yeah, that has been my new fantasy to work in advertisements), how much more time in between all this to be able to do a course in contemporary dancing abroad. Then at the same time reach a stage where I earn enough to do something big for the dogs, when is it that I'll get a chance to make a music video(or when is it that Ill get up and make one).

There are just these endless dreams to fulfill and I have this weird feeling that I need to stay awake to plan all of them, which is so not true, but the mind does not understand yet.

Today I woke up in my head.. I was talking to my dance teacher and told her I had wanted to buy her a saree. Thing is I got overly emotional when she came to my wedding and I burst out in tears. I had been wanting to buy her a gift for quite some time now. She said, "Please dont buy me any sarees. Good dancing is enough for me"... Now more than ever I need to do good dancing. Not just for my dreams. For her.