Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Like looking at the blank ceiling!!!

Has that feeling ever happened to you? Where you lie down on the bed and look at the ceiling wondering what the hell you are supposed to do next? Where is life going?
That happens to me quite often from time to time. I tend to plan a lot and sometimes when things do not go according to my plan then it takes me a while to figure out a backup.
Recently I had a Japan trip that for cancelled because some issuing of my visa. I was honestly upset a little, but more than that I became very blank about what I had to do in those days where Japan was supposed to happen.

I have had the craziest journey since I came to Bangalore. I joined my first company, met the nicest people there. Then I also decided to quit my job and start working as a freelancer, more than that a dancer.

Now being a woman AND a dancer in India is quite a challenge to be honest. First of all they are not looked as having a "good" career . Now because i live in Bangalore, I live in quite a bubble. But when i met a friend's relative who thought I was not a "good" girl because I danced, thats when I realised that it is actually majority in the country that contain the similar thought. I had another added baggage of being an engineer (which I absolutely do not regret, because I can use technology so much better and can use it in dance) , but a large section of people thought otherwise.

For example, I have had colleagues of the same company exactly sit and calculate how much I earn per month and whether it is more or less compared to what I earned in the company. I have had people say stuff like "it's ok you are a woman, you ll have a husband someday and then you can keep pursuing your hobby". I am quite a feminist that way, so when it comes to finances, I would never want to depend solely on a man to get my living going.

I don't really get the concept of a "good" girl. So if you don't have a boyfriend are you a "good" girl ? If you only clad a Salvar-Kameez are you a "good" girl? If you are married and still have a girls evening out are you a bad girl ? I am sure I am the epitome of a "bad" girl according to a large society in this country. And honestly it doesn't even bother me how they judge me. All of us are judgemental of things, and someone judging you the way you are will not change who you really are. So why break your head in trying to convince them otherwise.

Personally I get offended when people call my dancing a hobby. I earn my bread and butter through it, I paid rent and food and living expenses through this "hobby" of mine. I managed pretty well without borrowing anything from my house, except for maybe first two months expenses.

Anyway, so I find it so easy for so many people around me to judge me as being something or not being something I should be. Honestly , it ends up working in weird ways because I am with a rebel inside. And the moment someone asks me not to do something, it makes me want to do it all the more.

Work wise, things have been going on pretty well on the creative front. Jitters always will be there, considering I have stopped taking classes all together ad I'm just working on my first contemporary folk production called 'Bandhani'. I have big dreams and aspirations for Bandhani to go big. It is one idea where I don't care if I'm not the biggest dance company in Bangalore, nor do I have all the most expert dancers, but I have a brilliant team. And we work wonderfully as a team , and I love them just so much.

But yeah. Working for a big project requires you to sacrifice little things here and there. And then there can be times in your life where you would not know whether you are right thing, but you ll always have to keep hoping you are and keep going on.

One thing I learnt in life is to be persistent. I might not be the best dancer right now, but no way am I going to become the best if I don't stay persistent towards it.

It's such an irony that right now I feel so blank BECAUSE my kind is just flooded with so many rings I want to do. I a 26 right now and assume I live for another 74 years, I feel even 74  years will become so less for me considering I keep adding on new dreams and aspirations.

This is an ode to keep everyone s spirits alive, and make them live. 100 years so that they get time to finish everything they wanted in life!!!

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